Because Maybe For The First Time In My Life, I Know I Am

Because Maybe For The First Time In My Life, I Know I Am

For the first time in years, you helped me finally break down my walls. You allowed me to open up my heart to someone; to feel something again. You made me feel safe and comforted. You challenged me, pushed me to open up and be vulnerable; to express my thoughts and emotions unapologetically. You made me laugh in a way that I haven’t laughed before. You made me feel special, like I genuinely meant something to someone I cared about; that the feeling I thought I had lost forever was finally being reciprocated. You showed me that I really, truly, am capable of loving someone again.

At the same time, you broke me. You took advantage of my kind and fragile heart. While I finally felt my walls come crashing down, the inconsistency between your actions and your words made sure that the constant worry and fear of rejection consumed my mind. You made me feel naive for believing you; believing that you fell for me back. You made me become the girl I promised myself I would never be — allowing you to consume my mind, make excuses for your childish behavior, believing that just maybe I really was so much less than. You made me question myself as a human. You made me question my worth.

But the problem, I’ve realized, was never me. It was you — your lack of compassion, vulnerability, sincerity, honesty. You never lied to me, but you never told me the truth. You took advantage of the way I was falling for you and what it meant to me. You took for granted my words, my compassion, my vulnerability, my sincerity, my honesty. You made me believe that just maybe I really was so much less than, that just maybe I really was unloveable.

I’m no longer angry at you, but I will never allow you to have a piece of my heart again; I will never allow you to protect my heart again. Not because I despise you, not because I want you to feel pain, and not because I feel like I am not worthy or enough for you. But because maybe for the first time in my life, I know I am, and so much more.  

 

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1 Comment

  1. Grandma L.
    January 28, 2019 / 2:27 am

    BRAVO!

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