Dear God, my heart is hurting. It feels weak, exhausted, and conflicted. It feels used, tainted, and left behind. It’s hurting, and I don’t know why.
It seems as though I have a million and one love languages; a million and one ways I am able to give and receive love and appreciation in all things. I desire feeling wanted, needed, appreciated, and adored just as much as the next person. I desire to share and express the depth of my heart and emotions because I wear my heart on my sleeve. I embrace hearing how my hard work and persistence pays off because I know my worth; I know I am enough. I embrace the thought of being still and present in the pursuit of loves potential. Sometimes it feels as though I have no boundaries or limits, so why is it that my heart is hurting so much and I don’t know why?
Dear God, I try to believe there is something far greater than myself, far greater than any one human being, that can take away the self-doubt and humility; to trust to let the pieces fall where they may. But God, I can’t help but wonder why it never seems to be enough. It’s not the rejection that I fear, per-say, it’s the fear of giving, sharing, loving so unconditionally, so passionately for something that is so wrong for me. It’s the fear of giving, sharing, loving so unapologetically, so fearlessly for something that makes me feel so much less than.
I care so much. But, as the story goes that I have come to know all too well: I care too much for the things that hurt the most; I love too deeply for the things that disappoint all over again; I fall too hard for the things that continue to leave without warning.
Dear God, I want to feel in my heart the way that I give what’s in my heart. I want to not feel like the fool who gives and gives until there isn’t anything left to give. I want to not lose hope that there is an all-consuming destiny that is meant to be mine. I want to not feel stupid for sharing my love, happiness, and gratitude with the world around me. I want to not be afraid to be vulnerable and give everything my all because that’s what someone, something, in this world deserves from me.
But that’s the key word in all of this isn’t it; me. What about me? What about what I deserve?
Dear God, I deserve to feel the love in my heart in the way that I choose to give it. I deserve to feel inspired to share my happiness, to give back, in pursuit of finding loves greatest potential. I deserve to spread the overwhelming amount of kindness and compassion in my heart with the world around me. I deserve to be patient; to trust that you have an all-consuming destiny ready for me when I’m ready for it.
My love, my heart, it’s messy but real. It’s tragic but magical. It’s confusing but exciting. It’s fragile, but uplifting, generous, and accepting. Sometimes it feels as though I have no boundaries or limits, so why is it that my heart is hurting so much and I don’t know why?
I get it, I haven’t exactly made it easy on you or myself, but you continue to stay by my side, healing my heart throughout times when I feel most defeated. You hold my hand and teach me that my biggest mistakes are my greatest lessons.
So, Dear God, this is me leaving my heart in your hands, because right now it’s hurting and I don’t know why. And I understand it may take time. I understand if I have to be patient, and I will wait. But when you feel my heart is ready to embrace an all-consuming destiny, an all-consuming love, I will be here ready to embrace it.