I’m trying. I’m trying to understand my feelings, my confusion, my strengths, my weaknesses. But right now at this moment, I can’t. I can’t understand why I seem to be at a standstill. I can’t understand why right now my strengths can’t seem to outweigh my fears. I can’t understand why my resilient heart can’t seem to outweigh my faults and conflicts. I can’t understand why my emotions outweigh the facts. And I can’t understand why my fantasy of potential outweighs reality.
I know who I am. I know my expectations. I know what I bring to the table. I know what I want out of life, love, how I view and see the world, and how much I want to give in nearly every aspect there this to give. I know I have it in me to allow myself the grace to accept, forgive and move forward. But, God, I can’t understand how I can feel so strong yet so weak all at once. I can’t understand why I continue to give chances time and time again to those who don’t prove they deserve it. I can’t understand why my emotions pull me in a direction that I know you are trying to spare me from. I can’t understand why I continue to sprint in the same direction when I know you’re sending me a sign to run the opposite way because you know better than I do what your path holds for me. But I feel like I’m at a standstill – I feel like there are two paths that were carved out and created for me, but I’m confused where the next dead end is, what it means, or where the next detour is supposed to lead me.
I know I’m deserving of the world. I know that, and I feel it. I can feel how my spirit, optimism, and desire for more inspires others. I see it and I hear it. But, God, I can’t understand why I feel something holding me back from achieving what I know is my destined potential. I don’t know if potential is the theme in all of this…I don’t know if it’s potential of a love I want but have yet to find. I don’t know if it’s fear of disappointment, I don’t know if it’s feeling like I can be or do better. I don’t know what it is.
So, God, I’m asking you, please believe in me the way I believe in you. Please pray for me the way I pray for others. Please take my conflicts and burdens away so I can see without hesitation the path you have chosen for me. Because although right now I can’t see or understand it, I believe in it. I believe in you, and I believe in myself with every ounce of my being. I believe in the life you’ve chosen for me. I believe in so much more than what my heart is allowing in right now.
So while I can’t see or understand, I still believe.